Hi friends! This post shouldn't be long but I needed some time to process my thoughts about this season of my life. I used to have a journal that I would write in daily until I felt like it was a chore. I wanted something to go back to and relive if I needed to; or something to go back and thank God that I don't have to relive. I wanted to write this to document all that I am feeling and all that I am not feeling. This post is not meant to be negative or to seek pity but simply an escape.
I have been thinking a lot about how this quarantine has brought the inevitable. I have moved back in with my parents. I have moved away from my best friends. I have finished this semester on my laptop. I have graduated from college. I am so thankful for the time that I have gotten to spend resting and preparing for the next season: hopefully, graduate school and/or a job. Until then, I have had nothing to do but sit and think of how my days have gone from extremely busy to extremely dry.
When the days are sunny, I throw on my swimsuit and hop over to the pool in my backyard. When the days are nasty, like today, I sit and think. I listen to podcasts. I have my quiet time with the Lord. I read books. I clean and organize. I check my email. I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner. While these days are what I craved during the stressful and trying days of studying and completing assignments, I never expected it to come so soon.
For those of you who know me, you know that I love taking naps. If you know me really well, you know that I am also an enneagram three. A three on this silly personality spectrum is called "The Achiever." Whenever I took this test over a year ago, I was not surprised by the result. After reading more about the enneagram, I could have identified as a three without taking the test. I love to be productive. I don't like to start anything that I cannot finish. I dream of success and honor. I have little patience for flakiness and extreme respect for those who stay true to their word. I have four calendars that are in the form of planners, expo boards, virtual lists, and sticky notes. I begin my days in chronological order of what needs to be done and I cross off each as they are completed. I find joy in remembering my accomplishments and focus little on my failure (but still learn from it). I don't get embarrassed easily unless it has to do with something I could have controlled. I search for my favorite TV/movie characters on the internet before I finish the film because I want to know what happens. My favorite part of every school semester, aside from finishing, was making my schedule. I organize my music playlists by the moods that I am in. My bookshelf is organized by the books I have already read, the books I am going to read next, and the books that I have but don't necessarily have an interest in. I have six different versions of the bible and two forms of notebooks depending on my studying and note-taking.
There are many reasons why people may think that I am "uptight" or "over-the-top" or "OCD." I have a reason or everything I do with my days. I like to be organized. Which is why I am really struggling with the "recent college graduate" identification. I am in yet another waiting period with very little information. I am waiting to find out whether graduate school is in the cards for me. I am currently unemployed due to COVID-19 and also the fact that I have to have a master's degree to do anything that I want to do. This is not a post to complain about my current situation but just space for me to express my struggle during this time.
I have come from four years of homework, studying, exams, writing papers, researching, and learning. A season of my life has ended earlier than I expected it to and I am trying to figure out what my new normal is. I have created Pinterest boards of projects that I want to start. I have listed books that I am wanting to read. I am trying to continue the process of learning so that my brain doesn't adapt to laziness. I have tried to plan my days accordingly to keep me from thinking about my lack of productivity. There was a day, one week ago, that I found a lot of my worth in how successful I am or how productive I am. This is how I have defined myself my entire life. So, what does this mean now? I am no longer a college student. I haven't been an athlete in two years. I never thought of myself as a creative. I am just a girl.
I am confident in saying that my identity is not found in what I can accomplish but rather Someone who accomplished everything for me. I find victory in my Savior, Jesus Christ. I know that I am constantly being taught something new and gaining something more. I am increasingly becoming the woman that God has created me to be. I am being molded and shaped in a way that I did not expect, but I know is going to be worth it. And while the process may sting a little, I know the result will be beautiful. This journey is unknown to me but has been known to my Heavenly Father since before I was born. I am excited about what is to come and I am excited about all the days in between.
So, friend, if you are like me and need a little hope of what your future looks like, reach out to someone who loves you and encourages you. Seek the Lord through prayer and His word. Seek wise counsel from someone you trust is going to lead you towards God's plan for your life. If you don't have anyone in mind for any of these things, please reach out! I am always looking for an excuse to meet new friends. :)
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